No OC last night?

What a rip-off. I was all looking forward to seeing the boys party it up in South Beach. Anyway, in case you haven’t head, Bo “Howard” Bice is a former druggie. So now we have a wife beater and a drug dealer in the final five on AI. awesome.

Remember Jasmine Trias from last season’s AI? She is coming out with a CD, has a Jasmine Trias Day in Hawaii, is in local Hawaiian Pizza Hut and Taco Bell commercials, is part of some Coca-Cola tour, is going to be in a movie with Hilary Duff, AND is going to have a reality show. Whew, not bad for finishing third.

Settle down, Paula

Somehow, that was indeed considered the upset of the season. Kind of like when West Virginia beat Wake Forest in the NCAA tourney. Okay, not really. But everyone seemed awfully devastated to see Constantine go, and I still don’t really understand why every 15 year old girl out there was so in love with him. That thing he always did when he’s singing where he tries to look sexy and lusty staring into the camera with his eyelinered eyes was creepy. CREEEEEPY. Am I the only one that thought that?

Scott wasn’t even in the bottom 3 this week, which I just don’t get at all. You almost want to give him props for surviving this long, but I guess the person who really deserves credit is poor man’s blonde Harry Potter (thanks Turd, I never even thought he looked like Harry Potter until you started calling him that) for winning the showdown with Constantine this week.

Oh, and seriously, is it that hard for 6 people to harmonize together?

non tv entertainment

Okay, I know this is supposed to be a tv blog, but if you have not seen this already, you must read it. I won’t mention who I thought of when I read it. you know who you are. Oh man, this is funny stuff.
http://www.thephatphree.com/features.asp?StoryID=239&SectionID=11

And when you’re done with that, read this one:
http://www.thephatphree.com/features.asp?StoryID=404&SectionID=1&LayoutType=1&StoryMonth=4&StoryYear=2005

oh hell, read the whole site. My insides hurt from laughing.

we need better songs

Songs of the new millennium night on AI. Carrie does her country bit. Bo does a bad Gavin DeGraw impression in a hippie outfit. Vonzell was kind of boring and not as cute as she usually is. Anthony’s song bored the crap out of me. Constantine’s performance totally creeped me out as usual. And Scott was, eh. boring. I rate this episode a C- at best.

Five years worth of songs to choose from and this is the best we could come up with? Blah. I hope Constantine or Bo goes home. Or Scott. Is he still here?

HOLY POTATO FACE!

Best line of the night, from President poor man’s Richard Nixon: “Oh, I… that’s not what I meant to have happen.” My goodness that man is a big ole monkey. What the hell is wrong with him? NOW he wants to admit defeat and ask for help? Now that its too late and Mar(i)juan(a) has gotten away thanks to your little secret service move? Oh, but we knew that was going to have to happen anyway, after all, there’s still 5 hours left in the day. What fun would those last 5 hours be if they caught Mar(i)juan(a) at the night club in hour 19? Which, by the way, a hoppin’ night club? The chances of all these people out clubbing during a terrorist attack without a care in the world? Yeah, I don’t think so. Although it is LA after all. I half expected a Paris Hilton cameo as one of the night clubbers.

Is it just me or did Mike (aka poor man’s bald Ben Stein) call Palmer “Mr. President” when he called him up? I replayed it at least three times and that is what it sounded like to me. I’m so confused. In any case, I can’t wait for Palmer to find out that poor man’s Richard Nixon totally botched the operation and tried to have KEIFER (yeah, that’s right Eugene & Ben – I am going to completely defy all rules of spelling and continue to misspell his name – he’ll always be Keifer to me) arrested. Nobody loves Keifer more than David, as you will remember from previous seasons of Palmer kissing up to Keifer on an almost hourly basis, so I’m sure he’s going to be quite excited to learn that the new president actually tried to defy the law of Keifer. KEIFER KEIFER KEIFER. Eugene, am I driving you crazy yet?

Moving on…is there ANY question as to who the star of this week’s hour was? “I’m not a field agent. I don’t do that.” Oh, you do now Chloe! Man, who knew Potato Face had such bad-ass potential in her. I didn’t know they taught you how to fire a weapon like that when they train you to be a CTU analyst. Oh actually, yes I did. Kim mentioned it last season. Speaking of Kim, I wonder how her baby-making with Chase is going. Anyway, maybe it’s just not that hard to find the trigger on something that resembles a gun-like object. But seriously, did anyone see the size of that thing Chloe was firing at Marwan’s henchman?

The Edgar and Potato Face battle continues and I love every minute of it. Best verbal exchange of the night:
Edgar: “You’re the best analyst we have Chloe.”
Potato Face: “I know.”

The OC Confidential

Did anyone think for a minute that Kirsten was going to turn down a road trip that involved Carter and WINE? Work with me here people, the alcoholism is inevitable. I haven’t yet decided though if the affair is also inevitable.

Isn’t it nice to see the kids back at the Peach Pit After Dark, or as I was reminded, the “Bait Shop”, even though Alex is nowhere to be seen even though she is the manager there, if I remember correctly. I wonder if there is going to be some sort of weird twist where it turns out that Trey IS a drug dealer and him and the little slutty girl that almost drowned in the pool set up Kyle to look like the shmuck so that the two of them would get off scott-free to do goodness knows what in Alex’s old apartment. Or maybe I have just been watching too much 24.

And finally, why is Zach being such a weirdo? In fact, why is he even still around? Can’t they just inexplicably write him off like they did to Alex? After all, they don’t have a problem having him conveniently leaving in the middle of the “graphic novel” party to be able to give Summer a ride, even though he is supposedly the other half of the Seth & Zach partnership for the comic book. Unless there is another Zach I don’t know about.

I want a camel

Why the hell did Gretchen get IN the wooden elephant and make it even heavier and more difficult to push? And THEN all she did was complain that it wasn’t moving while poor Meredith almost keeled over in the streets from exhaustion. WHY DIDN’T SHE GET OUT OF THE ELEPHANT TO HELP PUSH?

While Uchenna was watching Joyce get her head shaved, the rest of the teams were depending on a camel to finish a roadblock task. Ingenious. I think every single TAR task should involve animals. And BTW, could it have been ANY MORE UNFAIR that Uchenna was already bald when they got to the Fast Forward and basically "exempt" from the Fast Forward?!

Lynn & Alex get taken for a ride in the wrong direction and get sent back to…wherever it is they came from. I’m still not quite sure how Gretchen and Meredith have survived as long as they have, but clearly they are the next team to go home…right?

Next week on TAR: Kelly accuses Ron of being a “quitter” because he was a POW. Ummm, issues, anyone? I hope they have to ride on the back of giant tortoises in the next episode.

Man, this is the worst season of the Bachelor EVER. Like, worse than the Bob Guiney season, which I honestly didn’t think was possible.

If I could reach into the tv and punch Sarah in the face, I think I would. Aside from the fact that she is a really annoying little snotface, she pronounced the word claustrophobic “classtraphobic” AND she referred to it as an “ailment,” as if she had the measles or something. My goodness all these girls SUCK!

Who’s counting these votes anyway?

Ryan Seacrest got a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame? I’d like to know what kind of standards they are using to decide who gets a star, because I have now lost all respect for the people who make that decision. The contestants sing together again, which is always always ALWAYS a bad idea, especially when you add in playing instruments together while they are singing together. And seriously, if you’re going to sing as a group, please learn how to harmonize properly first.

In a nutshell, Anthony, Scott and Anwar end up in the bottom three (I guessed 2 out of 3 right, not too shabby) and Anwar, who I think had the best male voice in the group, is sent back to Jersey. BOOO! I blame this on the wardrobe people who ripped half the buttons off all his shirts.

Dancing Queen

It was 70’s Dance Music Night on AI. I can’t believe there was no ABBA. I think we’re down to few enough contestants that I can do a play by play, barring any memory lapses.

IDOLS 01 – I think Constantine had on eye makeup this week, which is just wrong, and very creepy.
IDOLS 02 – Simon said it best. Barbie meets the Stepford Wives.
IDOLS 03 – I still don’t have any idea why Scott’s still around, but I love the song he chose, so I’ve decided not to hate him this week.
IDOLS 04 – I don’t really remember what Anthony sang, but I think the judges liked it.
IDOLS 05 – Vonzell’s version of I’m Every Woman was way cuter than the Whitney Houston version.
IDOLS 06 – Who doesn’t love some Earth, Wind & Fire? That being said, I’ve got issues with the fact that Anwar neglects to use the top 3 buttons on his shirt EVERY WEEK.
IDOLS 07 – Not.digging.the.rocker.bit. Go home Bo.

It’s too hard for me to predict the bottom 3 since most of these kids are equally mediocre and the ones I think suck every week end up being the ones America keeps around, BUT… if it were my choice, I’d put Constantine, Anthony, and Bo in the bottom 3. But for some odd reason, all the 15-year-old girls out there love them. gross.

Only 6 more hours…

Some things I learned from last night’s 24:
1) It’s okay for the government to torture maybe-terrorists to gain information
2) Amnesty International is able to help protect said maybe-terrorists
3) Keifer is total badass. Okay, this isn’t new. I already knew this. But I think I heard about 12 fingers breaking when he was torturing Joe Prado. Is that possible?

That being said, the whole angle with not-being-able-to-charge-Joe-Prado-and-an-Amensty-lawyer-being-able-to-protect-him was a crock of doody. And does an underground White House cave actually exist? Why is poor man’s Richard Nixon a complete and total shmuck? Doesn’t he know that it’s very un-24-like for him to be more concerned about his own safety and image than he is about the outcome of the show? I had forgotten about Curtis until last night, but I must say it’s rather impressive he’s lasted as long as he has. Harry the Jewish SATC lawyer isn’t exactly convincing as a 24 Amnesty International lawyer. Where is Behroos? Chloe’s potato-faceness is rubbing off on Edgar in a big way.

Next week on 24: FINALLY, the return of Palmer. And my goodness, could the VP/P/poor man’s Richard Nixon be any more of a wuss?

The Rager

Finally watched last week’s OC last night. Very 90120-like storyline. I half expected the drugged up girl in the pool to be Kelly Taylor. But of course the OC focuses a lot more on the adult storylines than 90210 ever did. Does anyone remember the time Cindy Walsh almost had an affair? That is one of the very few adult storylines I remember from that show. Kirsten is another episode closer to becoming an alcoholic. Not a single episode has gone by this season so far without her taking a swig - it’s only a matter of time.

Oh, and how convenient that nobody goes to the "club", i.e. Peach Pit After Dark, now that Alex has been written out of the show, even though they hung out there just about every episode when she was still around.

It must have been the tobacco

I’m going to start using the words exterially and interially in my everyday vocabulary. Chris used them so convincingly in his presentation I almost wanted to believe they were real words. But apparently they are not, go figure. After losing seven times in a row, Chris finally gets sent home crying (literally), even though Brennan’s brochure writing skills suck and Alex…took a nap? Personally, I commend him for napping, but Trump didn’t seem quite so pleased. Tanna and Craig are my heroes for not buying into the all-nighter BS, and Kendra is an annoying little snot.

reality tv about reality tv

http://bstv.tv

Check it out people. There really are a good number of nutcases out there. Funny sh!t.

Beef Jerky slips by...AGAIN.

A one hour elimination episode? So not necessary. I honestly couldn’t tell you what they did for a full hour because I didn’t watch most of it. From the fast forward frames I saw, it looked like they were doing more treacherous group singing, shopping for ugly outfits, and filming another really awful Ford commercial. I think I caught a glimpse of voted-off Mikalah but didn’t stop to find out what she was doing on the show because I couldn’t stand the thought of having to hear her voice.

So, back to the elimination…Ryan is wearing a suit for some unknown reason, I think Paula does tequila shots before every AI episode, Constantine had a greasy ugly ponytail, and Anwar is wearing a bad outfit again. HEY ANWAR, there are 2 or 3 extra buttons at the top of your shirt – USE THEM. Scott, Bo, and Nadia are in the bottom three, and for some reason still unbeknownst to me, Scott slips by yet again and Nadia is sent packing. Does America not see how gross Scott really is?

Nice Fakeout, Phil

Teams go from Botswana, Africa to Lucknow, India by way of Mumbai, and Team Survivor manages to sneak ahead on an earlier flight and get there first, taking Ron & Kelly with them. For a team that has been able to ride the coattails of Team Survivor so much, Ron & Kelly sure do bitch about Rob & Amber an awful lot. And people in India have a serious staring problem.

The old couple is becoming increasingly more irritating, and Gretchen’s whining has GOT to stop. Stopping in the middle of a task to ask for a hug is NOT acceptable. I hope there isn’t enough bunching next week to give them a chance to catch up, because it is definitely time for them to go home.

Rob & Amber arrive at the pit stop mat first only to find out that it isn’t actually a pit stop mat, just a …mat. I have to admit I was a little smug at how appalled Rob & Amber look when they find out that Phil is just there to give them their next clue and not to tell them they’re team #1 to arrive. I don’t think I’ll be able to stand it if I have to watch them win yet another prize, CBS has already given them way too much.

Next week on the “to be continued” leg of TAR: Camels! I love the use of animals this season on the race. Spitting llamas, stubborn goats, and now dysfunctional camels. Animals don’t give a rat’s ass that you are in a race which makes them perfect task components on TAR. It’s fabulous.

AI was SO MUCH better this week than last week’s disaster of showtunes performances. Scott and Constantine are still creepy but Constantine did a fabulous Bohemian Rhapsody nonetheless, Anwar sang like a champ again but had a really bad outfit on AGAIN, Anthony reminds me of a poor man’s Aaron Carter, Nadia was wearing a bad bad dress, Carrie sounded good but did this weird “dancing” thing where she was just moving her hips sideways the whole time, Bo is not meant to be the next American idol, and Vonzell was very likeable. And I think Paula was drunk. Again. Oh, and is it just me or are Hall & Oates totally a poor man’s Siegfried and Roy?

Keifer’s “Direct Line”: 310 597 3781

I just realized that it made absolutely no sense last week that the president wanted to address the nation “before the 11 o’clock news.” Umm, that would be 11pm LA time, which would make is TWO in the MORNING on the east coast. Last I checked, the president doesn’t do press conferences at 2 A.M. But then again, this is the CTUniverse we are talking about here.

In any case, I guess it’s irrelevant now that the weirdo VP, poor man’s Richard Nixon, has taken over, and there is something most definitely something fishy about him. When he was told that the nuclear football (which, btw, “nuclear football”? am I the only one that finds that kind of humorous? Does a “nuclear football” actually exist? Can someone investigate that for me please?) had been compromised, I couldn’t tell if the look on his face was more of an “excellent, my evil plan is being executed as planned” look, or if it was more of a “oh dear I think I just shat on myself” look.

Some other puzzling points:

• What the heck happened to Behroos? Has anyone seen him since he had the tracer ripped out of the back of his neck?
• How do you figure the plane dumped debris 50 yards from the camping couple and he *thinks* he heard an explosion and she *thinks* it was his imagination? And how did they get out there anyway? I didn’t see a vehicle of any sort, did they just walk out into the middle of the desert?
• Why isn’t Tony out in the field with Keifer now that his 20 minutes of CTI Director stardom are over? Instead they send some random guy who is obviously going to fall victim to Marwan, as everyone who is not Keifer or Tony always does.
• Would it kill Keifer to put his phone on vibrate mode?! Way to be stealth around the terrorists.

Tina, come get some ham!

I can’t wait for Gabrielle to become pregnant with the lawn boy’s kid. Jon Heder getting punk’d? Not actually that funny. But Ashton Kutcher doing Napoleon Dynamite impressions? HYSTERICAL.

Psycho Chris from Apprentice got arrested in Florida this weekend for disorderly conduct, and getting himself one of the worst mug shots ever.
http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/0410051shelton1.html
Guess who’s NOT getting hired by Trump this season?

Show us the hatch!

Whew, lots of activity this week on Lost. Locke is nowhere to be found, Boone is on his way to being killed of while his step sister Shannon and Sayid are buys making out somewhere, and Claire is trying to keep her baby from coming out. I guess I was wrong about it being too obvious if Boone was the one to die. Not too obvious after all, so we lost Boone and gained a baby. What are the chances this show lasts long enough to watch the baby grow up? Maybe it’ll be like soap operas where kids age 5 years in 9 months. And you know what sucks for the guy who plays Boone? The week before he found out he was getting killed off, he started shopping for a house in Hawaii. Now he’s shopping for a house in Venice Beach instead. Rough life.

Trying to catch up...

Talk about being behind on my tv watching. I finally watched this week’s TAR last night. One thing I’ve learned? I don’t want to ever have to milk a goat – they appear difficult to deal with, though not as difficult as llamas. Kelly is an angry angry beauty pageant queen with some serious issues and I hope Ron dumps her. Alex and Lynn are the most entertaining couple ever and I am rooting for them to win now only because I want them to stick around to provide entertainment for me. Although with statements like “Uchenna and Joyce were born to carry things on their heads” I don’t think they’re winning much in the pc category.

Team Survivor came in first AGAIN, which I don’t mind too much this time because Rob didn’t do anything too overly obnoxious this week. They just happened to do well and finish first, which is acceptable. The team of brothers got eliminated wearing swim trunks and sunglasses, which is probably just as well, because to this point I still could not tell Greg from Brian or Brian from Greg.

Hey TAR fans, remember Jon & Victoria? Our favorite dysfunctional couple from TAR 6? They’re filming a pilot for an upcoming VH1 reality show. Oh, and Victoria will be in next month’s Playboy. The dysfunctionality continues.

Beef Jerky slips by another week

Musicals week on AI…Ryan had an ugly sweater on, Anwar sang like a champ but had the worst outfit ever, Bo wore too much leather, Constantine is still creepy, etc. etc. Fantasia did some crazy over-energetic performance and then in a moment of mass confusion, Nikko, Vonzell and Scott end up in the bottom three and comeback kid Nikko will be coming back no more. How wife beater Scott and awful Backstreet-Boys-sounding-rendition-of-Climb-Every-Mountain Anthony are still around I’ll never understand.

Potato Face Saves the Day

So this week the president whines that he has already been in the air for 20 hours. The show is only 15 hours old which means he was already on the plane for 5 hours before the season started which means that he got on the plane at… 2am? umm, okay. I understand the president keeps strange schedules and all, but come on now.

And seeing the President ask his son (who appeared out of nowhere – are we really to believe that he and his dad haven’t seen each other at all for the past 15 hours?) for help writing his speech was very reassuring. I wonder if Barbara and Jenna are doing the same for their dad. What was the point of bringing the son in anyway? He doesn’t even survive the episode.

Some other miscellaneous comments about the episode:
1) How do you figure Chloe had Audrey’s cell phone number on speed dial?
2) Did anyone notice that as soon as Marwan noticed the tampered phone wires, they started playing James Bond music?
3) Apparently I should have worn my special night vision goggles to watch this episode because I couldn’t see a damn thing during the raid.
4) Only Chloe would do something nice to cover Edgar’s butt and then have a potato face attitude about it.
5) Thanks to some newly acquired information from our resident military plane expert Kingston, I’d like to inform you that an F-117, the “stealth fighter” that poor man’s Conan O’Brien was flying, isn’t actually a fighter, it’s a bomber, and therefore technically not capable of shooting down another plane, i.e. Air Force One. So, unless he was flying directly above the president, we have yet another kink in the CTUniverse, or a “crock of 24 crap” as Kingston puts it.

Baseball and basketball have really hindered my tv watching the past couple of days, but here’s a few tidbits while I try to catch up:

Apparently Ray & Deana have since gotten engaged after getting eliminated from TAR. The race brought them closer together they say. I guess psychos who race together will persevere together, abuse and all.

Oh, and Andy Roddick? Cute, even when he’s getting punk’d. Next week, Napoleon Dynamite getting punk’d? Love it.

Lastly, I discovered an insanely odd yet addicting show on the style network called Craft Corner Deathmatch. The host is a total loony but the arts & crafts competition is fabulous. Check it out people.

Wife beater

Thanks to a little tip from our very own ms. evan, I did some investigation and found a very not-so-flattering mug shot of AI contestant Scott Savol, who turns out to be pretty damn creepy after all:

http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/0331051_american_idol_scott_1.html

You all know what that means right? Scott is sooo getting voted off next week. Because let's face it, if a wife beater wins this competition, there is something very wrong in this world. In the words of Simon Cowell (sort of), in a competition full of hamburgers, Scott Savol is a beef jerky.

This isn't rocket scientist

Since when are meatballs on pizza a creative and unusual idea? I've been ordering meatball pizza from my local pizzeria for years. whatever.

Chris is a bit of a nutcase, but previews are deceiving and I don’t think he was really as psycho as the previews had made him out to be. There is something very very strange about Tanna and the things that come out of her mouth. And our little ibm consultant Stephanie spent half her day on the subway delivering pizzas to Brooklyn. Brilliant. Not a big surprise when she and her wrinkly forehead get sent back to supply chain consulting world on the West Coast. I also just found out that she is half Hispanic. Who knew?