Chickens and camels and whatever

There was too much activity on this week’s TAR for me to even know where to start commenting on all of it. Teams race from South America to South Africa, which pleases me because that means they can’t use dumb fake words like “andale” anymore.

Lynn & Alex provide endless entertainment (“Hey, we can take those bitches!”), Rob is a big fat a-hole and for some reason Amber is totally okay with that, the token old couple have the brightest outlook on life ever (“I’ve been wanting a facelift for a long time”) and Ray is a jerk to Deana as usual.

Ray & Deana show up at hour #1’s pit stop first and win new cars, and I notice for the first time how f-ed up Deana’s face is. Her eye looks swollen shut and at first I think it’s because the sun is in her eye, but then as the race goes on I notice it ALWAYS looks like that, and she appears to have bruises all over her face, which leads me to believe that either a) I missed some segment where she got busted up in a race activity, or the more likely scenario b) Ray beats her.

In any case, Gretchen & Meredith show up last, but FINALLY there is a non-elimination leg of the race so they are not sent home, and in an added new twist, not only are they stripped of all their money, but Phil takes all their stuff too, which I find to be kind of harsh. Especially after Gretchen bashed her head in during the tunnel detour. Dude, at least let them take a toothbrush or something.

In hour #2, the teams throw raw meat at the lions, and I kind of wished someone would throw Rob at the lions instead. Then they have to find their way from Johannesburg (which Lynn & Alex lovingly compare to Compton) to Botswana, and usually I kind of like how Rob is being conniving and sneaky to get ahead, but this week he’s just plain old mean. He makes some comment about how he’s done being nice. Done? When did he ever start? He also thinks that Meredith pushed Gretchen to try to get sympathy, which makes me want to punch Rob in the face.

Later, teams are driving through bush country and Brian & Greg’s car flips over, rendering their ride-along cameraman unconscious, and Rob & Amber don’t even roll down the window, much less stop to help, when they drive by. My love-hate relationship with Team Survivor is definitely leaning much more on the hate side this week. Even Phil, who I have noticed has become awfully chatty at the pit stop mat these days, gave Rob & Amber an attitude about not stopping.

Ray & Deana run like pansies and get smoked by the brothers in a footrace to the mat and get eliminated, which I definitely attribute to the fact that Ray refused to help the old couple and referred to them as “sacrificial lamb”. What goes around comes around buddy. And Deana’s face looks even more beat up than it did at the end of the first hour. Now that is one relationship that needs to be put out of its misery. Cut the cord already.

Next time on TAR: Lynn & Alex get a flat tire, Kelly has some strong pent up prejudicial frustrations about Ron, and Rob is a jerk. As usual.

That'll teach you to donate a kidney

Man, I was way off on my picks for the bottom 3 on AI. Well, not waaay off, at least I got one right. And the one I got right is the one that went home. So bye bye Jessica with your blonde on top of brunette hair, I guess that doesn’t make me absolutely awful at guessing the outcomes of these things, only partially awful. I’ll try to do better next week.

And seriously, can they stop with the group songs? They are so tragically awful I can’t even stand it. It’s very nice that they are trying to raise money for the red cross and all, but there MUST be a better way.

Oh yeah, and Lost? I am lost. I have no idea what happened last night, did I miss something? I was excited to finally get the story on Locke, but when it was all over, I still had absolutely no idea how or why he was crippled and in a wheelchair and what the deal was with the spaceship looking “hatch” thing embedded into the ground with the light that finally comes on after he cries and moans and bangs on it profusely for a while.

And seriously Boone, don’t you know that plane wreckages precariously perched on a really really high cliff will always come tumbling down if you try to maneuver around in them as much as you did? I heard one of the main characters is going to bite the dust by the end of this season, and I think they’re trying to make us think that Boone is the one by the looks of this episode and the previews for next week, but I also think that’s probably too obvious, because I know the writers like to f- with my head. Bastards.

Karaoke Kings

I take back my comment from weeks ago when I said there is no chance in hell that the next American Idol will be a girl. The girls are waaay outperforming the guys all of a sudden, how did that happen? The guys were kind of not-very-good-at-all, Anwar included, as much as I hate to say that, because I really do like that guy. But Bo Bice had a really ugly hat on, Anthony had a really ugly green shirt on, Scott has some weird mustache thing going on and Constantine is just plain ole creepy.

My picks for the bottom 3 this week are Scott, Jessica, and Anthony, with Scott getting sent home. And is it just me or was Paula really drunk last night?

I was inappropriately blunt, wasn’t I?

After almost three minutes of previouslies, we are finally at the 9pm-10pm hour. To this point I am still not sure how there happens to be a health clinic/hospital within CTU, and I am also still not sure whether I feel sorry for Audrey or not. I tend to think not. I must say though, it’s great having Chloe and her little potato face attitude back. I missed having Chloe pick the most inappropriate times to ask even more inappropriate questions. “So Audrey, must be a bitch having both of your men in such bad shape right now, huh? One’s missing and the other has a bullet lodged in his vertebrae. Boy that must really suck.”

Behroos really got stuck with the short end of the stick this week. Getting traded to Marwan in exchange for the not-as-expendable-as-they-would-like-us-to-think Keifer, getting a tracer ripped out from the back of his neck, finding out his mom is dead...whew, rough night, kid.

Next time on 24: Something explodes and something crazy happens, but I have no idea what. My guess would be that it’s some sort of suicide mission involving poor man’s Conan O’Brien and Air Force One, but that is almost too obvious, so I am probably very very wrong.

that doesn't make you a bitch, it makes you a slut

Wow, what a painful two hours of watching Charlie, the super corny c-list brother of Jerry O’Connell, pretend to have an inkling of guilt for treating these girls like the cheap little whores they are. Whoever invented the fast forward button on the remote control was my hero last night.

This whole “the only rule is that there are no rules” bit doesn’t play out very well. Why was it such a big deal on the first group date to only have 5 girls? I thought there were no rules. (btw, the girl who snuck on the date – KINDLE? What kind of friggin name is that? Or “Danooooshka” for that matter. Where do these people come from?) After all, group date #2 was only supposed to be 8 girls and nobody stopped girl #9 from showing up. Which reminds me – Charlie, please do not ever compare yourself to Hugh Hefner again. EVER. Especially since these girls are NOT HOT AT ALL. Some of them are downright ugly actually. And don’t try to give me that crap about beauty is in the eye of the beholder. That is garbage. These girls suck. AND they are a bunch of nutcases.

And Charlie should never be allowed to dance on this show again. What a tragedy that was, having to watch him dance, even in fast forward mode. I don’t know if I’m going to be able to survive the season if this insanity keeps up. There is going to be a lot of ranting on my part if I continue to watch this train wreck. Why couldn’t have they made my favorite Harry Winston doorman the bachelor instead? At least he’s pleasant to look at, cheese factor and all.

Deep-fry this, bitch!

Between Maisy getting arrested for being the neighborhood prostitute, Gabrielle doing laundry in the Jacuzzi and stealing the portapotty, and Lynette dueling with the head lice mother, I just can’t even imagine where I was on Sunday nites before Desperate Housewives came into my life. What a relief to finally have them back.

I know I’ve said this before, but if you are not watching Arrested Development, you are missing out on some of the most ingenious television writing I’ve seen in a long time. George Bluth Sr. is quite possibly the funniest sitcom character I’ve encountered since George Costanza. Tobias was wearing a shirt that looked very much like a Ben Sherman shirt that I’ve seen B Sauce wear, which for some reason I found really amusing. Add Ben Stiller, aka guest magician Tony Wonder, and you’ve got one damn funny show.

I also recently checked out Life on a Stick -- deep frying your a-hole boss’ office in hot dog on a stick batter is always funny, and the American version of The Office -- British humor doesn’t translate quite the same and I’m inclined to stick to the BBC version, but yet, there’s something inherently funny about refrigerating someone’s stapler into a jello mold, british or american style.

Oh yes, and of course there’s nothing better than racial drama between model wannabes. The black girl with the attitude gets sent home, even though one of the white girls looks like a dead fish in her photo shoot and Tyra proclaims it to be the worst photo even taken in the history of America’s Next Top Model. But considering the show is less than two years old, I don’t know if that is saying very much. I also particularly enjoyed watching Tiffany make a big stink about not drinking anymore, proceeding to order 3 or 4 glasses of wine at dinner, and then puking right at the dinner table.

And next time on ANTM: Flesh eating bacteria?! The fun never ends.

I wonder if they met at Target

That punk they did on Rachel Bilson was SO MEAN. The kid asking Dirk for 101 autographs was funny. Jadakiss yelling about there not being any keys for him to move the car was also kind of funny. Making Rachel believe her dog had done $30,000 in city damages was CRUEL! But at least Ashton came out himself to let her know she got punk’d. We all know Summer is our favorite A-list female superstar.

On a related note, I was rather surprised to see Zach reappear, fake girlfriend and all, on his brand new little vespa which I guess he bought as a souvenir while he was in Italy. Glad to see the kids are all back at school though. Except for Ryan anyway, who takes a trip to Chino to pick up the next OC guest star from jail. I guess now that Trey is done with his guest stint on 24 as the bad boy son of the Secretary of Defense, he thought he’d try his hand at another bad boy guest star spot. Talk about being typecast.

And btw, that whole storyline with Ryan not wanting Trey to stay at the Cohen’s, Ryan thinking he stole the watch but he didn’t, going to Chino to try to bring him home, Trey not wanting to go, but ending up saving Ryan’s ass and going home with him anyway – waaay too predictable. And I’m still trying to figure out what the hell was in that cardboard box that Trey was carrying around with him for practically the entire first half of the episode.

Oh, and Julie Cooper’s porn video, which looked more like some really bad Jane Fonda work out video from what I saw, getting shown at the Newport Living unveiling – we all saw that coming, right?

Next time on the OC: TWO WEEKS?! No new OC this week, what kind of crap is that? Something about a glass egg. I don’t really remember the specifics.

tv backlog

The friggin tourney is making me fall really behind on my tv-watching, but I did try to catch up last night and this morning (yes, I do watch tv in the morning before I come to work), so today should (hopefully) be a busy blog day. After all, it’s raining outside and who does real work when it rains?

I had flashbacks of Omarosa getting bonked in the head with drywall when the Apprentice teams showed up with their hardhats on to get their next assignment. Now why is it that they all had to wear hardhats but Trump and his little Home Depot minions didn’t? In any case, they sure did know how to make it obvious from the very get-go who was getting booted this week. Best line of the night from poor man’s Ashlee Simpson: “As a former beauty queen, I know what a crown is, but not crown molding.” Ahh Erin, way to set up your downfall from the very beginning.

Second best line of the nite, from Brennan while they were floating around in the plane that was a spaceship but not really: “The highlight for me was being able to do all the things that as a little fat kid I couldn’t do, like corkscrews off the diving board.” What a great mental image.

So, in a nutshell: Team Magna makes toy boxes which Craig’s whole team thinks is a sucky idea but it turns out to be a good idea, while Team Networth makes “mobile kitchen islands” which the whole team thinks is a good idea but it turns out to be a pretty sucky idea.

Erin, who was irritating as shit, finally gets sent home, even though she tried her darnedest to deflect the blame onto tobacco-chewing Chris, whose tobacco chewing didn’t even have anything to do with anything this week.

Next week on the Apprentice: Chris gets really really angry and yells a lot, and they make pizza. i think they should make cupcakes instad.

It's about time!

FINALLY, she got sent home. BYE BYE MIKALAH!! Whew, that was a relief.

My theory about this week's do-over is that Mikalah didn't get voted off with tuesday votes, so they created this "wrong phone number" ratings stunt to try again to get her voted off on Wednesday. And it worked! Thank goodness.

I’d like to trade my Pringles for a Cupcake

Man, the Ulong tribe really sucks. Well, they managed to win the Reward Challenge, but their prize was Pringles and swimming with jellyfish? I call bullshit. Sure, they got mai tais too, but I don’t care if those jellyfish were stingfree or not, gimme some cupcakes instead. There is some sort of create-a-fortress-with-wood-and-rope immunity challenge, and this is the win that counts, so of course Ulong screwed it up and lost and James got sent home. I’m not really surprised, seeing that he couldn’t seem to figure out how to tie the rope to hold the wood for their fortress together. Umm, weren’t you in the Navy, James? I’m no military expert or anything, but I’m pretty sure they teach you how to tie knots in the navy. Unless you were in the non-rope related part of the navy, which I SUPPOSE is possible because, like I said, I’m no military expert.

Oh, shout out to Ian, Koror tribe member, he’s a Penn Stater like me!

“My Job Is To Annoy You”

I fast forwarded through last nite’s AI “do-over” show just to see if anything entertaining would happen. All I really have to say is that Mikalah makes my skin crawl. Could she BE any more fran-drescher-irritating??! If she does not go home tonite after her tragically “pitchy” performance and annoying as all hell personality, there is something very very disturbingly wrong in this world.

Holy Cannoli!

My love-hate relationship with Team Survivor grows stronger every week. I love them, I hate them, I love them, I hate them. All the other teams are obsessed with hating them so much that I almost think they have a crush on Rob & Amber more than they hate Rob & Amber. Remember in kindergarten when you used to mercilessly tease the kid you had a crush on? Same theory. Lynn, who I’ve decided is a poor man’s Chandler Bing, referred to Rob & Amber as an STD. heh, can’t help but snicker at that comment. Rob then says something along the lines of “They love us and they want to be like us.” Oh how right he is. Lynn, you want to be Rob, admit it. or maybe you just want to be WITH Rob.

Joyce fell off her horse twice during the Gaucho Challenge roadblock and I’m going to hell for laughing at her falling off. I’m sorry, but it was funny. Equally funny was Ray & Deana yelling at each other because she couldn’t get her horse to move. “My horse is broken!” Something’s broken alright, but it ain’t your horse, lady. At some point Ray & Deana also make a comment about being stuck in the back of the pack with all the bottom feeders. Umm, if you are in the back of the pack, doesn’t that make YOU the bottom feeder?

I totally got duped by the AR staff this week, as I was convinced that it would be a non-elimination leg. Are they not doing that anymore this season?? I call bullshit. On the other hand though, I’m kind of glad, I was tired of Patrick and his mom. “Mom, shut up before we have an embarrassing moment.” Too late kid, you just did. When a team comes in last and gets eliminated, most of them are like “this was a great bonding experience and I love so-and-so blah blah blah.” Yeah, not even a hint of that from Patrick and mom. nothing but bitterness and hatred towards each other. Kind of funny (like I said, I’m going to hell), but mostly sad. Therapy, people…seriously.

I would love to see the look on Lynn & Alex’s faces when they found out that Rob & Amber came in first AGAIN and won a trip prize AGAIN, and get reminded of the fact that they came in first last week and did NOT win a trip. I’m sorry, but I have to call double bullshit on this one.

Next time on TAR – woohoo, two whole hours! Bloody faces, an orphanage, and a flipped over car. Someone really should start enforcing those speed limit rules in the race.

Bachelorettes Revealed

ABC has revealed the identities of the girls who are going to be catfighting their way into the heart of poor man's Jerry O'Connell Meets Jason Bateman on the next season of The Bachelor, which starts next week with a TWO hour premiere. UGH why must abc torture us so?!?!?

http://www.realitytvworld.com/index/articles/story.php?s=3343

Not impressed with ANY of the girls. blah.

Hair Stories

Apparently there was a “technical glitch” on AI last night and they showed the wrong phone numbers for some of the contestants so all the vote counts were screwed up, so they are having a do-over tonite and everyone gets to vote again, and the results show will be tomorrow instead of tonite. So if you voted last nite (who am I kidding, I’m the only person I know that actually votes), your vote didn’t count. Sounds like some sort of sneaky ratings stunt if you ask me.

It was Billboard #1’s Nite. There’s still too many contestants for me to be able to remember enough to do an idol play-by-play. But some things I do recall:

Carrie’s hair was a bit too…poofy. I can’t really think of any other way to describe it. Speaking of hair, how about Nadia’s? That Mohawk was…really big and distracting. But I loved Vonzell’s hair. How do I get my hair all done up to look like that? And HEY, it looks like somebody finally gave Bo Bice some V05 hot oil! Jessica’s hair was trying to be blonde, but not really. She was half brunette, half blonde. Make up your mind girl. And against all odds, Scott Savol has totally grown on me. He doesn’t have much of a hairstyle to talk about, but when he took off his hat and then sunglasses and threw them on the floor, I couldn’t help but crack up just a little, in a good way. He’s kind of a weirdo, but hey, we all have our quirks.

Non-hair related comments: Anthony’s jeans were just a little too tight. Mikalah, would you PLEASE GO HOME ALREADY. You sounded tragically “pitchy”. Anwar, I didn’t love your performance, but you are still my favorite pick. Gotta love you for attempting to rock some Chaka Khan last nite.

Ryan Seacrest was wearing an “I (heart) expensive tshirts” tshirt that I couldn’t help but wonder if he bought from Urban Outfitters.

Oh, and Simon's best line of the night, on Constantine's Partridge Family performace: "It's like ordering a guard dog, and getting a poodle in a leather jacket." hahaa!

Chloe went tanning after she "resigned"

FYI, it sucks coming to work on Tuesday mornings and not having anyone to talk to about 24. None of the monkeys I work with watch the show. Idiots.

I’m starting to think that by the end of the season, they are going to spend more time showing previouslies than showing the actual episode. Keifer is going to have to change his opening monologue to “The following takes place between 5:33 AM and 6:00 AM.”

Keifer and Paul have come an awfully long way since Keifer was electrocuting Paul with lamp wires in a hotel room. I think maybe instead of wondering whether Audrey ends up with Keifer or Paul, we should be wondering if Keifer and Paul will end up with each other instead. btw I don’t remember CTU ever also being a fully equipped hospital with surgeons and what have you, but whatever.

Behrooz is not looking so badass nowadays holed up in that CTU holding room. They should give him a shovel again (or maybe a baseball bat), he is much cooler with weapon in hand. As some sort of twisted plot to track down Marwan, creepy terror mom gets to hold Keifer “hostage” which I find rather difficult to believe, because ANYone knows that Keifer is not possible of being held hostage…or is he? Their plan goes totally awry and Keifer has gotten himself into quite a tizzy of a mess now hasn’t he? Oh Keifer, you’re really losing your touch. First you let Audrey’s husband get shot, then you got Behrooz’ creepy mom killed (or so we think – she got shot off camera, so maybe they just planted a few more bullets in her already f-ed up arm) and end up as a hostage for real. I’m peeved that creepy mom fell for the “loyalty gun test.” Come on lady, didn’t you watch season 3? You fell for the oldest bad guy trick in the book, and that doesn’t make you a very good terrorist mom.

There was a scene where Michelle answers her cell phone, and it turns out she has the same cool looking RAZR phone that I have. She then later uses said phone to call up Chloe. I like her even more now. But HELLO, she used a CELL PHONE to blab to Chloe about keifer’s undercover operation. Now unless she has some crazy CTU-encrypted version of the phone, even I know you don’t do that in the CTUniverse. stupid stupid stupid.

Speaking of the return of Chloe (aka Potato Face), it’s a good thing she got to leave for the afternoon, because that means when she comes back she doesn’t have to be wearing that hideous purple shirt the wardrobe people made her put on at the beginning of the season. She did show up in purple again though, I guess the wardrobe people think her spray tanned potato face looks good in purple. Chloe must live in the basement of CTU though, because Michelle called her at 8:24pm and by 8:30pm she has managed to change, arrive at CTU, get past security, and be acting like her annoying little potato face self to Edgar. Sometimes it takes me more than 6 minutes just to find my way to my closet.

Desperate Attention Whores

DAW is a new term I learned from reading reality tv message boards, and I can’t think of a better way to describe Trichelle, Omarosa, and Allison. Apparently it doesn’t take much these days to get your own E! True Hollywood Story. They did one on “the bad girls of reality tv”, and here’s what I learned:

Trichelle from the Real World and Surreal Life did drugs everyday while she was in high school and had an eating disorder as well as a drinking problem. Gee, couldn’t figure that out from watching her on Real World Las Vegas. Or the Surreal Life. I think Trichelle is the epitome of DAW.
Omarosa grew up in a drug infested neighborhood with regular shootouts and enjoyed trying to dominate people’s attention with her “outspoken behavior”. Imagine that.
Allison Irwin was a slut. I recognized her from a former season of the Amazing Race, but apparently before she was ever on TAR she was the annoying slutty girl on Big Brother 4 (do people seriously watch that show?) who got permission from her boyfriend to “do whatever it takes” to win the show. Then they competed on TAR together and broke up after losing the race. Can anyone say dysfunctional?

Where the Streets Have No Name

For the record, Bono is the coolest f-in musician to ever grace this earth. U2 got inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame last week and they’ve been airing the induction ceremony on Vh1. Bruce Springsteen inducted them and gave the best speech ever. I watched it about 3 times. Man I can’t wait to see them in concert.

Anyway…I watched Zoe Saldana, Serena Williams, and Zach Braff get punk’d last nite. I have no idea who this Zoe girl is. She didn’t even get to have Ashton come out of hiding and tell her she got punk’d, which makes her a b- or c-list celebrity. I’ll give her the benefit of the doubt and say that she’s probably a B-list celebrity, even though I’ve never seen her before in my life. As for the other two punks in this episode – I love the 14 year old brat that was the “emotionally unstable” nephew. If my kid ever behaves like that I will beat him with a baseball bat like the one Jimmy Woo keeps next to his bed. Serena and Zach both got a special visit from Ashton, so they must be A-list. I am now using Punk’d as my ratings scale for celebrities in case you haven’t noticed.

Keifer Hotline

Apparently in an episode of 24 a couple months ago, they showed a phone number on someone’s caller ID that turns out to be the cell phone number of one of the 24 prop guys. So of course, people started calling and depending on who’s around, someone will answer the phone. I just read about this in People, so obviously it must be true. I remember this happened with Scrubs at some point last year. The number is 310 597 3781 if anyone wants to try to call. If you get to talk to Carlos Bernard tell him he’s a badass. Now when is someone going to release a phone number that puts me in direct contact with Josh Duhamel…?

stay away from my girlfriend, bitch!

Adam Brody is a comical genius. I love how easy it was to write Zach out of the show (what, did he just never come back from Italy or something?) and to rewrite Seth & Captain Oats back into Summer’s life.

How is that Marissa hasn’t even been to school in like 6 episodes or more and suddenly she was leader of the pep rally? And why didn’t I ever do fun stuff like have bonfires on the beach when I was in high school? High school in downtown Manhattan, it’ll get you every time.

One of the best non-Seth scenes this episode was the one where Julie Cooper walks into Sandy’s office and plops a copy of The Porn Identity on his desk. The look on his face in that scene was just classic. Oh, Billy Campbell = hot. “Lance” = also hot. Although I think one of his arms was the size of my thigh, and that is just frightening.

Tough girl Alex throwing a can of beer at Ryan was my second favorite non-Seth scene. I thought for sure she was going to sucker punch Ryan. But I guess she realized that even though she was tough enough to shove him, she wasn’t tough enough to beat him up, so she shows up with her cohorts to have them do it instead. Now THAT’S classy. I give her one more episode, tops. And that’s generous, because we all know this show likes to cut the cord as quick as possible when they write characters off.

I tried to watch the Apprentice, but you know how at the beginning of each episode they do “previously on the apprentice…”? Well, this “special” episode they had on with supposed “never seen before clips” was basically an entire hour of previouslies. Lame. So I watched the Starlet instead. But it was not nearly as entertaining as the previous episode I saw. I guess because there was no making out with teddy bears and no awkward lesbian action.

what kind of crappy voting system is this?

I saw a commercial for a tv movie called Spring Break Shark Attack with poor man’s Lindsey Lohan in it. It looked so terribly awful, I almost think I have to watch it. Except I hate movies with sharks, so I won’t. but I’m hoping somebody else will so they can tell me about how awful it was.

They had the top 12 contestants on AI sing a song together before making someone go home. Worst Idea Ever. They sounded so terrible I couldn’t even stand it. Every.last.one.of.them. including Anwar, as much as it pains me to say that. The song is wretched, they sound wretched and I’ve never heard anything so tragically wretched in my life.

Last night I remembered what I don’t like about the AI competition once it gets to the top 12:
1) they make the loser sing. How freakin mean is that? We had to watch poor Lindsay sing with her tear stained face.
2) they do this video montage of the booted contestant about her time in the AI competition, with said contestant’s voiceover talking about how great it was being there. This means they actually make each contestant act like they’ve already been kicked off the show in order to do the voiceover for their video, which is equally as mean as making them sing after they’ve been voted off.

Anyway, I’m PISSED that Mikalah made it into the bottom two and then squeaked by! what a crock of doody. That’s right, I said it. Doody.

Ignorant Americans

Teams go from their last pit stop, Cerro Santa Lucia in Santiago, Chile, to Puento Viejo in Argentina to Camping Suizo in Mendoza to Estancia San Isidro. I have no idea if I spelled all those places correctly.

I also still have no idea which is Greg and which is Brian. Has ANYone been able to figure out a way to distinguish them from one another?

Rob & Amber stole a cab from the "lifelong friends" aka Team Lesbians, but it turned out to be pretty anticlimactic, because they made a big deal out of it in the previews last week and then it didn't even evolve into a big dramatic plot twist like I wanted it to.

Teams drive through the Andes Mountains to get to Argentina... driving, driving, driving...my goodness that's a lot of driving. Meanwhile, mother and son team are driving in circles around downtown Santiago looking for the highway for almost two hours and lifelong friends miss their exit and end up doing a whole lot of driving in the wrong direction.

Rob & Amber get to Puento Viejo first and choose not to yield any of the other teams, even though anyone would have yielded their ass in a heartbeat because all the teams are so busy being obsessed with beating Rob & Amber that they're not even paying attention to their own race. Most teams are now pedaling or paddling their way to Camping Suizo in Mendoza, but Team Lesbians have driven two hours in the wrong direction and aren’t even in Argentina yet. gee, I can see where this is going. way to make a subtle statement about who's getting eliminated this episode.

At the campsite, someone from each team has to eat 4 pounds of animal parts that include blood sausages, intestines and…cow saliva glands? Okay, not as gross as the caviar, but still gross. And it wouldn't be TAR if someone didn't puke, and Alex from Team Gay is our lucky winner this season. Rob & Amber quit, taking the 4 hour penalty. oh sure, NOW they have a timer on the screen for me to keep track of time with. They con Ray & Deanna into quitting too. Then Team Token Old Couple quit, not so much because they got conned, but because I don't think any of us want to see one of them drop dead on the show from clogged arteries.

I have noticed that they all use the words "rapido" and “arriba” and “andale” excessively, every time they get into a cab or bus in South America. the only "person" i think i've ever heard use the words "arriba" and "andale" that much is speedy gonzalez. and from what i understand, "arriba" means "up" or "above", which doesn't even make sense in the context that the teams are using it, and “andale” isn’t even a real word used in South America. These people watch too many looney toons. stupid americans.

The teams' next pit stop is Estancia San Isidro. The Chip & Kim wannabes finish their 4 pounds of animal insides first and off they go, but get lost along the way, so Lynn & Alex are first to arrive at the pit stop, and all they can talk about is how they beat Amber & Rob. Give it a rest guys, it's getting old. As Team Chip & Kim wannabes arrive at the pit stop, Team Mom & Patrick are still driving to the campsite and Team Lesbians are only just now finishing their paddling. They try to make it look like it's going to be a close race between these last two teams, but I'm not fooled.

Phil stands at the pit stop for like 9 hours waiting for all the teams to show up and as expected, Team Lesbians get booted. I can’t believe she ate 4 pounds of animal guts for nothing.

Next on TAR: Joyce falls off a horse. Deanna cries and Ray yells at her (Jon & Victoria anyone?). And it's obviously going to be a non-elimination leg of the race since we haven't had one of those yet.

your 15 minutes are up

Poor Man’s Fez showed up on yesterday’s Regis & Kelly, wearing a green patchwork fedora. Did you know that before being on AI, he worked at Vera Wang? In any case, when questioned why he quit the show, he claimed he instinctively felt the competition was personally not right for him, and equated it to how you sometimes fall out of love with someone. uhh, okay poor man’s fez, whatever you say. We’ll be waiting for the scandal to break, cuz you know there is one.

Coincidentally, Ashton Kutcher was a guest and the first thing he said to Regis & Kelly was, “I’m not buying that Vasquez kid at all. I’ve got a theory: I don’t think he’s Mario Vasquez at all. I think he’s Wilmer Valderama from the 70’S show in disguise!” hahaa.

Mario was also on Letterman and did “Top 10 Reasons Why I Quit American Idol.” He didn’t wear his hat this time, though I wish he did. that hair of his is out of control. His number 4 reason was “screw it, I’m quitting this too” and then he walked off the stage. and that’s a wrap.

Anyhoos, on to the competition… “60’s Nite” in the AI theater. I was hoping someone would sing Build Me Up Buttercup so that I could compare it to when Clay Aiken sang it in season 2, one of my favorite AI performances ever, but nobody did. bummer. I’m not going to do a play by play of each contestant like I did last week, mainly because I don’t think I can actually remember all 12 contestants and the order they went in. I’m going to have to start taking notes during the shows to be able to write my commentary.

Generally speaking, the wardrobe people have made drastic progress since last week. I've still got a few issues, but overall, nice improvement. Stick to the jeans people, it works way better than the coolats.
Mikalah, it is REALLY time for you to go home. You remind me of Fran Drescher more and more every week, and I'm just not having it anymore.
I still stick to my comment that Bo Bice needs some hair serum to tame his mane, but I will admit I rather enjoyed his little rocker performance. It’s time to lose the leather pants though.
Ever since I found out that Constantine's "leaving his band to try out for AI" bit was a scam, I've decided I hate him. Anyone who has to fabricate a gimmick to get on the show is just lame.
Anthony Federov was wearing a kind of tight short sleeved polo shirt and almost looking kinda buff in it. go figure. but he is still more creepy than cute.
Poor man Fez's replacement, poor man's bobby brown, did some karaoke-like Jackson 5 performance, and sadly, I could imagine Mario doing the exact same performance if he had not quit.
Scott Savol is my "feel good" pick of the week. I hated him during the early rounds of auditions, but he has grown on me quite a bit.
I unfortunately did not LOVE Anwar's performance this week, but he is still my favorite to go the distance. Nadia would be my female pick of the week.
and...yeah, don't have much to say about whoever's left. which means either i'm paying attention to the wrong people (quite possible – I get a little trigger happy with the fast forward button on my remote control sometimes), or they are incredibly mediocre and will all be going home within the next month or so.

white people can be terrorists too

What’s with all the emotional BS this week on 24? Audrey crying over jack being a “different man”, random “good arab” store owner brothers crying to jack about the “bad arab” terrorists, tony and michelle… come on people. If you’re gonna pretend to care about each other, at least make out or something. Oh wait, I remember when they used to make out under the stairwell last season and it was lame. never mind.

I like having Michelle back on the show and all, but damn she SUCKS as CTU Director. For once I actually liked Audrey, for defending Tony and making Michelle feel like a putz. Michelle had her panties all twisted in a knot, being the bitchelle that she is. and only giving Tony a Level 3 clearance. the nerve. “I used to have a level 6.” “Level 3 is all you need for now.” oooh, feel the burn.

We find out that the president is still airborne, 12 hours later. Thanks for clarifying that for us Mr. Secretary, I appreciate your help in my never ending quest to figure out what Air Force One is doing this season. Which is apparently nothing more than flight patterns over the grand canyon for all I know. How’s the view from up there?

I have issues with that store that Keifer and Paul tried to hide out in. Aside from the fact that it looked more like a barn to me and I needed night vision glasses to be able to see anything going on. I thought it was rather convenient that the terrorist company had its own personal army of mini-terrorists that totally tried to bum rush the store. But even more conveniently, the store turns out to be some sort of sporting goods type store stocked with guns and ammo and what have you, so keifer totally kicked their butts anyway. all for a bunch of papers off the printer. It’s too bad paul ended up taking one of the team and getting busted up pretty bad anyway. Audrey’s gonna be pissed at you now Keifer.

My only question is, who was that other whitey terrorist guy that Marwan was talking to on the phone? He looked like a poor man’s Conan O’Brien, who is apparently in cahoots to shoot down Air Force One or something, based on the way he was dressed.

Next week on 24: Audrey begs for Paul not to die, something blows up, and creepy terrorist mom is back and gets to pretend keifer is her hostage. Where is our favorite 16 year old terrorist son these days anyway?

anyone ever seen the movie Fastlane?

A new reality show on WB started recently called The Starlet. It is basically about a bunch of girls going though hollywood boot camp and competing to become the next…starlet. I’ve been recording the episodes but haven’t had a chance to actually watch until last nite. I picked a random episode in my dvr list and starting watching, and ohmygoodness can I tell you this is the funniest shit I’ve ever seen? Okay, maybe not THE funniest, but as far as reality tv goes, this was quite entertaining.

From what I gather, in each episode, they learn a different aspect of acting, and then go through a screen test, after which contestants are eliminated if they suck, until we have a winner. In the episode I watched, the starlet wannabes got a lesson in passion and seduction. This is where things get interesting. They show up for their class, and find out that they have to seduce a teddy bear. I was almost crying I laughed so hard. “I’ve never even kissed a guy before, and now I have to make out with a teddy bear.” Then, it came time to try what they’ve learned on a real person. Random “hot” guys come in and they each have to seduce a guy with a dance. This wasn’t nearly as funny as the teddy bear action, but still rather funny to see. Now that they’ve learned all they can learn about seduction and passion, it came time for their screen test, which is…to perform the lesbian scene from the movie Fastlane, originally done by Jaime Presley and Tiffani Amber Thiessen. I think most of the girls are pretty horrified, I think this is great television. The contestants pair up and “rehearse.” One girl almost quit. But in the end, they all did their lesbian scenes and some of them looked a little more into it than they claimed to be during rehearsals. Yeah, now I bet everyone is sorry that they haven’t been watching this show.

too bad they couldn’t get U2 for this episode

I finally watched last week’s Apprentice where the teams had to negotiate “personal experiences” with music artists to be auctioned off for charity. I had some serious issues with a few things in this episode:

1) Dinner with Gene Simmons vs. multi-city touring with Moby. Did anyone even have to wonder who was going to win this competition? Come on now, we all saw Gene as a judge on AI. He was incredibly not fun at all.
2) Tanna trying to be ghetto and being called a MILF. First of all, her talking to Lil Jon about getting “krunked out” and being “in the hizzy” just made her look absolutely ridiculous. Even Carolyn couldn’t keep a straight face. And then she referred to herself as “Mom I’d Like to Fool around with.” Nice try Tanna, we all know what the F really stands for.
3) Chris’ cheesy DJ voice during their live auction segment was not much cooler. actually, it wasn’t any cooler at all.
4) No reward??! Okay, yeah yeah I get it, this was supposed to be the “feel good” episode where the winning team should be proud of raising over $21K for charity. But still, I had to laugh at how cheated the winning Team Magna must have felt.

In the end, the corporately reshuffled Team Networth hit the boardroom and poor man’s Vince Vaughn got the boot, which makes him a really REALLY poor man’s Vince Vaughn, cuz we all know the REAL Vince never would have gotten sent home, he’s way too cool for that.

i hate abc

How peeved was I last nite when I turned on the tv only to discover that for the third week in a row now, there was no Desperate Housewives to be seen? WTF?! Instead they were showing some new sitcom called Jake In starring John Stamos. what BS. I used to watch Full House and all, but Uncle Jesse is so not the same as Mike the plumber. However, I did see Jesse Metcalf, aka the Lawn Boy from DH, get punk’d last nite, and all I really have to say is that I’ve never seen anything so ridiculous looking in my life. I didn’t know whether to laugh or just be really confused at the site of Lawn Boy harnessed in the silver bodysuit, flailing his arms desperately and not really looking like he thought that what he was doing was all that strange. I’ve also noticed that when it’s not a really big star getting punk’d, Ashton Kutcher doesn’t even come out and they just have one of the random accomplices announce the punking. I guess when you’re not an A-list celebrity, it's normal to have to pretend to be a really lame comic book hero.

Bobby Brown's comeback

Breaking news… poor man’s Fez has dropped out of AI and will be replaced by poor man’s bobby brown in the Final 12. Actually, I meant to post this first thing this morning as breaking news because I heard about it last nite, but got a little distracted by ticketmaster this morning, so most of you have probably heard about this news by now. oh well. In any case, that is the scoop. Mario Vasquez decided to leave because of a “personal family thing” he says. But yet poor Momma Vasquez found out from the Fox 5 news crew yesterday instead of from her own son. “Aye Dios Mio” was her response. If any of you guys were Nikko fans, he is back, since he got more votes than Travis last week. Personally, I liked Mario more than Nikko, but what difference does that make, I'm on the Anwar bandwagon anyway. I guess the moral of the story here is that it’s okay to look like bobby brown, but not okay to sing like bobby brown.

Julie Cooper the Porn Star

I think we all saw that coming, and if you claim you didn’t, you’re lying.

Basketball is really interfering with my tv watching, but I did watch the OC last nite, finishing just in time for the Syracuse game, which was quite the blowout. In any case, I hope I am not the only one that found the “I lost my ring” storyline to be really poor. I’m sorry, but I don’t care how mad you might be at your husband, NO woman is ever going to be so calm as the words “I can’t find it” come out of her mouth about her 2 karat diamond. puh-lease. How dumb is Sandy to not realize she was lying when she said she couldn’t find the ring?

The whole “locked in the mall” thing was kind of weird too, though I thought the roller hockey competition was hysterical. Hey, let’s have our next slumber party at the mall.

Oh, Seth Cohen doing the Star Wars trailer at the end – too cute! I haven’t been able to watch a single episode of the OC in the past couple of weeks without picturing Ben as Seth every time. I had a brief panic attack somewhere in the middle of the episode when Seth & Summer had the “do we not work as a couple anymore” conversation. Whew, that was a close one. Cohen, you better not f-in screw this one up again!

i love jerry

I didn’t get to watch any tv last nite *gasp* because I was at the Big East games at MSG. but I managed to fast forward through the AI results show this morning in about 10 minutes to get my tv fix and have something to blog about today.

The guys: the one who looks like Bobby Brown and the one who sang Bobby Brown went home. Coincidence? I think not. Moral of the story: Bobby Brown sucks.
The girls: as expected, Janay went bye-bye. I’m sure Selena was rolling over in her grave hearing Janay butcher her song the other nite. Most disappointing, hottie Amanda was ousted while crazy barbara streisand girl with her hideous makeup made it through. what a crock. this is why I’m sticking to only rooting for guys.

And that’s a wrap. Nothing more to report until I get to watch last nite’s Lost and Alias. But, here’s someone I haven’t talked about in a while:


soooo hot!

bribery pays off

I can’t really decide how I feel about Team Survivor (aka Rob & Amber) on TAR yet. I think I have a really complicated love-hate relationship with them. They drive me nuts, the same way they do to the other teams, but at the same time, I kind of take pleasure in the fact that they are doing so well despite all the other teams hating on them.

So this week, teams have to go from last week’s pit stop in Cuzco, Peru to Arequipa via a 10 hour bus ride. They get to the bus station and Team Survivor find out from a local which bus is the fastest and then bribe him not to tell that same information to any of the other teams. The other teams are pretty peeved when they find out and I probably would be too, but since I’m not part of the game, I think it’s ingenious. However, all the teams end up on the same bus anyway, so their little plan didn’t quite work out the way they wanted. suckers.

The blondies team, Heidi & Megan (who I absolutely cannot distinguish one from the other) bond with the team of brothers, Greg & Brian (who I also cannot distinguish from one another). I was hoping maybe they’d pair up and go make out in the back of the bus or something, but no such luck. Or maybe they did and the AR staff chose to edit it out.

Rob bribed the bus driver to only open the door at the front of the bus when it arrives in Arequipa, which totally pisses off the teams sitting at the back of the bus, and once again, it kind of cracks me up how sneaky Rob is being. I’ve almost forgiven him for not knowing how to open the trunk of the car in the first episode.

Teams had to convince people on the streets of Arequipa to get their shoes shined, and I noticed most of them got shoe polish all over the person’s sock when they were trying to shine the shoes. Joyce, the wannabe Kim from TAR 5’s winning Chip and Kim team, couldn’t get anyone to let her shine their shoe, so she ended up standing on a street corner screaming “SHOE SHINE!!!” for god knows how long. I wish they had a time counter on the screen sometimes, like they do on 24, so I can see just how long some of these tasks are taking people.

Once they’ve shined shoes they have to fly to Santiago, Chile. For some reason, that place reminds me of “Where in the world is Carmen San Diego?” Does anyone remember that game? I think I used to always look for her in Santiago, Chile when I used to play that on my computer. But in any case, now they’re in Chile and have to either haul books from a bookstore to the Library of Congress or go shopping for soup ingredients in a marketplace with their own money. Maybe it’s just me, but you would think its smarter to save your money and do the task that doesn’t cost anything. Well, too bad Patrick and his mom didn’t think like me, because they ended up having to beg for money to be able to afford the ingredients. What baffles me the most about this is that they already had to beg for money to ride the tram right before this part of the race. What, did they think money was going to magically appear in their fanny packs on their way to the market? That maybe while they were on the tram, a kind stranger snuck some money into their pockets?

In the end, Team Survivor prevailed and arrived at the pit stop in Cerro Santa Lucia first, winning a trip to the Atlantis on Paradise Island in the Bahamas. As if they haven’t already won enough. Team Blondies and Team Brothers are the last two teams to arrive, with Greg & Brian just barely edging out the blondies and sending their blondie girlfriends home. I guess there won’t be any making out after all.

Next week on TAR: Team Survivor steals someone’s cab, somebody gets a flat tire, and one team drives in the wrong direction for two hours. sucks for them.

wardrobe malfunctions

If I could have last nite, I would have voted for Anwar again. But alas, there was nobody super impressive that I could vote for in his place, so I didn’t vote at all because I refuse to support the girls’ cause. They did that weird horoscopes thing again, which I just don’t really see the point of at all other than filler time. In any case, recap of the contestants (this shouldn’t take long at all considering none of them are worth raving about):

IDOLS 01 – If I had voted, I probably would have voted for Amanda, not because she sang Tina Turner that great, but because she’s kinda hot and we might as well keep the good looking girls around.
IDOLS 02 – Oh poor Janay, she is so going home tonite. The judges like to use the word “pitchy.” I prefer “awful.”
IDOLS 03 – I don’t remember what Carrie sang at all. something country I think.
IDOLS 04 – “Vonzell.” Where do people come up with these names? And she sang Aretha Franklin while wearing a white sequined cowboy hat and matching white boots...oh boy.
IDOLS 05 – I think Nadia might have been the best singer of the nite, but that may not be saying much. And she was wearing a black mini skirt with weird orangey floral patterns on it and pink ruffley tulle hanging out the bottom. And a tank top with fake flowers made out of ribbon sewn onto it. oye.
IDOLS 06 – Lindsey did a so-so rendition of Aerosmith and had on some really weird black frilly capri-like wide legged pants that sort of looked like a tea length skirt but wasn’t. Does anyone know if they pick out their own clothes or if I should blame the AI wardrobe people for this?
IDOLS 07 – Ever since we met her at the Vegas auditions, I thought Mikalah was a poor man’s Barbara Streisand meets Fran Drescher. So I was a little creeped out last nite when she actually started singing a Barbara Streisand song, and I couldn’t stop staring at her clumpy mascara.
IDOLS 08 – I have no idea what Jessica sang or if she was any good because I couldn’t take my focus away from her boobs, as they were completely hanging out of whatever she was wearing.

Overall, not very impressive. The next american idol is so not going to be a girl.

the following takes place during rush hour

Last week, I was amazed at how many people were still at work when Keifer and Curtis were hunting down terror guy in that office at almost 6PM. One guy was playing solitaire when Keifer tried to sneak up on him. Go home and watch tv instead buddy. Last nite, I was amazed at how disappointing some of these scenes turn out to be sometimes after they hype it up and make it look all crazy in the commercials. Case in point: Keifer trying to stop the “EMP Blast.” whatever that is. In the commercials, Keifer is crouched on the floor in front of some giant glowing bomb looking thing, screaming his lungs out and looking like he was about to get written out of the show. I don’t even really get what that thing was. A “pulse-“ something they kept calling it. But last nite they didn’t even show what happened to him when the EMP blast went off. what a ripoff. I want to know exactly happens when you are in such close proximity to a glowing contraption that looks like a prop from Star Wars and it “blasts”. Do you vaporize? Well, obviously not since he was in next week’s previews running around pointing a gun at people like he always does. And how many companies do you know actually keep one of those things around in the supply closet? That was pretty neat though, they made all the lights in LA go out. But I guess not ALL of LA, since things were still cranking away at CTU, so not as impressive as when Don Cheadle made all the lights in Vegas go out in Ocean’s Eleven.

Am I the only one that thought it was funny that Keifer and Tony were IMing each other about the EMP blaster contraption? That didn’t look like any instant messenger program I’ve ever seen. I wonder why they don’t use AOL Instant Messenger at CTU. Doesn’t everyone have that installed on their computers nowadays?

Poor Keifer, he has to put up with so much bullshit on this show. And by bullshit, I mean Audrey. God she is annoying. “Look after my husband please.” “Oh no, I’m sorry I was going to use him as a human shield and risk his life to save my own ass.” Let’s just call attention to the fact that you clearly want to dump Keifer and get back together with your creepy husband when this day is over, why don’t we. stupid girl.

The president is still on Air Force One. But I’ve pretty much given up trying to figure out if he’s just in the plane and its grounded, or if he’s just flying in circles above montana, or if he’s actually flying to DC by way of Australia. I forgot to check out his window to see if it was daytime or nighttime wherever he is now.

I don’t like when they try to inject “compassion” into this show, namely Driscoll getting consolation and hugs from the secretary of defense. Yes, we get it, these people have feelings too. But come on, this is 24, not the OC, and we all know she had to get sent home eventually anyway, otherwise how would Tony get to be CTU Director for a whole 20 minutes...before Michelle shows up! I must say, she has cleaned up quite nicely since getting kidnapped last season. I like the straight hair, much better than that frizzy mop she donned all of season 3. Looks like she may have lost some weight as well, but I couldn’t be too sure just yet since they didn’t do a good close-up of her. Either way, Tony is too much of a badass to have to deal with Michelle’s crap, if you ask me. So, Tony’s back, Michelle’s back, and President Palmer will be back at some point. Anyone want to place bets on how long before Kim shows up for her cameo?

Next week on 24: Tony was an alcoholic. That’s actually all I remember from the preview. That and Keifer running around with a gun, but he always does that.

1 866 IDOLS 08

How much do we love Anwar??! He sang one of my most favorite songs ever and he absolutely nailed it like nobody’s business. It gave me goose bumps. I hope you people voted for him. If he gets voted off I might have to stop watching AI because it would be too devastating to me. How can you not vote for the cute music teacher from Jersey?? LOVE HIM.

As far as the rest of these guys go…
IDOLS 01 - Scott reminds me of someone, but can’t quite put my finger on who just yet. It drives me a little crazy, but with any luck he gets voted off on Wednesday and I don’t have to think about it anymore. Don’t get me wrong, I thought he was good. But it will stress me out too much trying to figure out who he looks like.
IDOLS 02 - “Bo Bice.” I’m sorry, but with a name like that, you are just asking to be voted off. I don’t care that Paula and Simon both loved you. You need a haircut, or at least a deep conditioning.
IDOLS 03 - Anthony, our resident “Clay Aiken,” had some really weird glow-in-the-dark fluorescent splotches on his jacket, and I was so busy trying to figure out what the splotches were that I didn’t really notice the fact that he was way too much of a whitey to be singing Ricky Martin. or maybe it was Enrique Iglesias. who knows. i couldn't focus.
IDOLS 04 – Anthony must have lent his glasses to Nikko Smith after he sang, because Nikko is totally a poor man’s Bobby Brown wearing Anthony’s glasses. I think one of the judges even mentioned the Bobby Brown resemblance one week. Bobby Brown singing Ray Charles. hmm.
IDOLS 05 - Travis, oh you poor poor boy. Where did we go wrong with you? I can’t even remember what song he sang, but I felt like it was 1984 and it made me cringe watching him do his boyz II men dance steps. maybe he was singing a bobby brown song, I don’t know.
IDOLS 06 - Mario Vasquez, our Bronx contestant, is without a doubt a poor man’s Wilmer Valderrama, aka Fez. we like him. But his gerri curls are really distracting.
IDOLS 07 - I love Sting, and having to listen to Constantine, former Elimidate contestant, butcher a Sting song was just painful. Don’t like this guy, he also needs some deep conditioning in his hair. But we looooooove…
IDOLS 08 - Anwar!! The very cute music teacher from Newark, NJ with a great smile and a bangin’ voice – LOVE HIM!!! enough said.

My only other comment about this episode is that they did this weird thing where before each guy went up to sing, they showed him in front of a constellation backdrop with his name and astrological sign at the bottom of the screen. Since when is your horoscope relevant to being the next American Idol?

Up next...24.

i love my mtv

I was a little irritated when I flipped through my guide yesterday to confirm my Sunday night recordings (you’d think I didn’t trust the series manager on my dvr or something) only to discover that Desperate Housewives wasn’t on because instead they were showing an Oprah made for tv movie. what a rip off. Not to knock Oprah, i love her and I’m sure the movie was fabulous (I recorded it so if I ever get around to watching it I’ll comment further), but I really needed a DH fix since it wasn’t on last week either cuz of the Oscars. sigh. I did however get a whole hour of Arrested Development though, so that was a plus. The writers of that show are absolutely ingenious and if you don’t watch that show you are missing out. Last nite was the return of Elaine as Maggie Lizer, “love interest” of Jason Bateman, who pretended to be pregnant, after pretending to be blind the last time she was on the show. Love it.

There’s this show on mtv called ego trip’s race-o-rama. I was flipping through the guide and put it on for no reason other than the fact that the name of the show cracked me up. turns out the show is about interracial love/dating/sex. or maybe that’s just what this particular episode was about, who knows. they did this one segment called “Taste My Race” where they had this “underground rap legend” named Kool Keith Key come out and sit in a chair with a blindfold on while three different girls come out to give him a lap dance and he has to guess the ethnicity of each girl based on the lap dance. classic. (he guessed all three correctly in case you were curious) but I think my favorite segment has to be the one called “Mingle Fever” where they talk about black men having a thing for white women and white men having a thing for asian women, making asian men and black women the least married people in the US. they then suggest creating a zoo for the asian men and black women to breed. haha. i love mtv.

And speaking of mtv, I never saw Laguna Beach, but clearly I am going to have to start watching when the new season starts this fall since freddy and evan speak so highly of it. this Stephen kid better be as hot as you claim he is.

screw you dukies!

okay i know this is supposed to be my tv show commentary blog and not my sports commentary blog, but i can't help myself - I just watched a really fun ending to the Duke-UNC game. I'm not necessarily a fan of either team, but obviously one roots for UNC in this game and not those damn dukies, and MYGOD it was fun to watch them win this game. i even jumped up off the couch when UNC took the lead with 19 seconds left, which i don't usually do when i'm watching tv. okay, maybe sometimes i do, like when i see a really cute guy on the screen and am trying to get a better look. hey freddy, i'll bet your husband was loving that game. take that Coach K! Who, incidentally is a poor man's James Eckhouse (guy who played Brenda and Brandon Walsh's dad on Beverly Hills 90210). Wait, I take that back. James Eckhouse is a poor man's Coach K. seriously. has Jim Walsh done ANYthing since 90210 went off the air? (90210 reunion specials don't count). As much as I dislike Duke as a basketball team, Coach K is way cooler than James Eckhouse.

On a side note (also unrelated to tv shows, sorry): Kentucky losing to Floriday by one point? very disappointing. for those of you who didn't know, i have been, for some random reason unbeknownst to myself, a Kentucky fan for the past couple of years. They've managed to screw me over during March Madness the past two years in a row, but I don't give up hope! go wildcats.

not enough cute boys

I decided to watch Survivor this week. It’s funny what you’ll watch that you never watched before when you have dvr in your life. One of the tribes had this guy Jeff that was kinda cute (obviously the main reason I decided to watch was to scope out any potential cute boys) but he had a majorly busted ankle so he didn’t actually do anything other than walk around without his shirt on and got voted off because he was kind of useless. But he sort of wanted to get voted off anyway and didn’t mind leaving, which doesn’t really make for entertaining tv if you ask me. It’s more fun if the person voted off has to be dragged away from tribal council kicking and screaming. Oh well, there goes the one guy I though was semi-hot. Bastards!

I’m sick of the Apprentice. Not that that will stop me from watching the remainder of the season, but, well you know. Maybe it’s because I started watching this immediately following the Spiderman scene on the OC and I still had the chills. Either way, there are no hot guys and all the players suck. Audrey started bawling with a sob story about how both her parents went to prison when she was younger and she lived in a car. Then she starts to say that all the girls at school used to make fun of her…and silly me thought she was going to say they made fun of her because she had no parents, but instead she says they made fun of her because they were jealous of her being so beautiful?!! No, seriously. I wanted to vomit. Way to try to earn your team’s sympathy and then say something retarded like that to produce the absolute opposite effect.

John looks like a poor man’s Vince Vaughn. Erin resembles Ashlee Simpson. I can’t call her a “poor man’s Ashlee Simpson” though because Ashlee is already a piece of trash. Stephanie, the winning PM this week for Team Magna, is a supply chain consultant for IBM. I’m so proud. Not really. Best line of the night would probably be Chris saying “I’m taking this very seriously” while he was dressed up as a clown and chewing tobacco. Lucky for Bozo, Audrey was even more sucky and she got booted instead.

There’s this really bad reality show on Saturday nights that I record called Wickedly Perfect, which is basically a bunch of people competing to be the next Martha Stewart (incidentally, there is a Dateline special on tonite about her release from prison). I’m secretly obsessed with arts & crafts (I guess not so secret anymore) so I get a kick out of watching this show to get ideas for things I can make. Sunday is my Simpsons, Arrested Development, Family Guy, and Desperate Housewives nite. And speaking of DH, tv tidbit for the day: Teri Hatcher apparently had a crush on Dr. William Dorfman (who is so not cute at all – I checked), the resident dentist on Extreme Makeover, and they were supposed to go out on a date but Dr. Dorkman had to work late and canceled. I can’t help but think, who the hell cancels a date with a hottie like Teri Hatcher? She has been deprived of sex for the past couple of years, you get a chance to break her out of her dry spell, and you cancel? Loser.

We Love You Seth & Summer!

Since I didn't start this blog until this week, and they repeated last week's episode of the OC last nite, I would like to use this opportunity to relive the Spiderman reenactment. I totally watched it again and I totally got goose bumps…again.

But let’s rewind for a minute. I loved the opening scene where Seth and Ryan look outside from their respective windows and stare at each other through the rain while Blind Melon is playing in the background. The girl who plays Lindsey looks like a poor man’s Lindsay Lohan. Marissa annoys me. Kirsten is totally going to be an alcoholic by the end of the season – she drinks like nobody’s business in just about every single episode, has anyone else noticed that? And yes, Ben, you are totally Seth Cohen. Do you own a Captain Oats? And have you ever dated a girl who wouldn’t travel without her Princess Sparkle?

Okay, back to the Spiderman scene. GOOSE BUMPS!! Baby Seth at the airport… Summer leaving lame boy Zach at the airport… Ben, I mean Seth, with the mask on falling off the roof… Summer running out into the rain to find Seth… OHMYGOD, did I mention the goose bumps? Hmm I wonder if they went inside to hang out in the Gimme Sex catamaran after the credits started rolling.

Jennifer Garner is one lucky beyatch

So I just watched Alias, which I recorded last nite while AI was on (no, I don’t have a job or anything I should be at). MAN, Michael Vartan is a hottie! Almost as much of a hottie as Josh Duhamel. Hmm, I think I may have to rework my laminated top 5 to include Vartan. I can’t believe Jennifer Garner gets to make out with him, because they are dating on the show or something. That is sooo not fair, considering she already gets to make out with Ben Affleck. Share the wealth girl.

In any case, there is some sick isht going on in this episode. This guy who knows where some bomb is will only reveal the info if Vaughn (Vartan’s hottie character) opens up the coffin of his own dead wife. And then they go to Venice and Garner dresses up and pretends to be Vaughn’s dead wife and Vaughn has to watch her make out with the bomb dude. WTF?

bye bye aloha!

whew, Anwar made it through another week. Thank god they've cut the results episode down to only half hour (less than 15 minutes with dvr) instead of another painful full hour. Instead it was quick, like a band-aid. Really, there's just no need to torture both the contestants and the audience with a whole hour of "who is going home tonite?" I hate you Seacrest.

So there's this chick Tiffany on America's Next Top Model that apparently was on the 3rd season and had "anger management" issues and now somehow she is back. She claims to have taken anger management classes and is a lot calmer now, but the way I look at it is that she'd probably be more fun on the show if she were still psycho. and there are no hotties! what is up with that? how do you have a model contest with no hottie models? these girls suck!

Lost is the most confusing ass show ever. I liked last week's episode where the korean dude said "boat." but i'm kind of not getting what the heck is going on this week with the french chick. what is her deal? and how did claire know its her birthday? she doesn't even know why she's on this island, all of a sudden she knows the date to know its her birthday...hmm, sketchy.

Oh, in case anyone is interested -- they are repeating last week's spiderman reenactment episode of the OC at 9pm tonite, and don't think I'm not totally going to watch it because I am sooo watching it again and I'm going to love every second of it.

Reality Fact of the Day: Constantine from AI was on Elimidate a couple of years ago.

Where's Jon & Victoria when you need them?

Now that I've had a chance to watch the premiere of TAR 7 in its entirety, I'd like to recap. If you are NOT watching TAR, you really should start. seriously. In case you missed last night's premiere, let me help get you up to date. 11 teams from various backgrounds in a race around the world yadda yadda yadda. Some of these teams are reeally boring and didn't do much last nite worth talking about, in fact i can barely remember some of their names. I'm clearly not trying to compete with Television Without Pity here. But in any case, several things I learned during the premiere:

1) Llamas are some stubborn ass animals unless you smack 'em on the behind with a yellow amazing race clue pamphlet. Oh, and they spit an awful lot
2) Carrying 35 pound baskets of alfafa on your back requires you to wear a poncho and matching knit hat with floppy ears
3) Ziplines give you wedgies
4) The show just isn't the same without couples like Jon & Victoria screaming at each other on an hourly basis and having Jon yell at Victoria that she is the most useless person he's ever met on every episode. Did anyone see them On Dr. Phil's Romance Rescue special? Classic.

Teams go from Long Beach, CA to Lima, Peru to Ancon to Cuzco to Huambutio to Pisac and back to Cuzco, where Ryan & Chuck the South Carolina yokies arrive last at the pit stop and get booted, which is really just as well since I couldn't understand a damn word either one of them were saying at any time anyway. Nobody wants to have to read subtitles every time one of the teams is having a conversation.

Tonite on AI...(am I only one that thinks that 3 nites of AI in a row is a bit overkill?) I wonder which suckers are getting sent home. I hope it's not Anwar, I voted for him and everything. If hottie Amanda gets voted off...well, I guess I'l just have to pick a backup hottie.

Don't forget to vote!

I’d just like to say that I have to report for jury duty tomorrow, which makes me really sad because that means I won’t be able to sit in front of my computer all day playing around with this blog. whatever. What's with this jerry o'connell meets jason bateman guy that is going to be the next bachelor? he is soooo not as hot as jerry ferris, former harry winston doorman.

hey am I the only one who's been voting on AI? I've been voting for Anwar from the boys group, the music teacher from Newark, NJ. I have yet to vote for a girl, cuz I think they are all kind of sucky. Especially that crazy brunette barbara streisand looking Mikalah girl. I think my strategy is to just vote for the hot looking ones cuz after all, even if the girl can't sing, might as well pick one that's good to look at, right? Amanda Avila is my hottie of choice.

SO, the Amazing Race premiere - I'm about an hour in so far and I haven't yet spotted any crazy looking couples yet, and can I tell you if there is no Jon & Victoria psycho couple I am going to be MAJORLY disappointed. I love that Rob & Amber somehow managed to win Survivor All Stars but couldn't even figure out how to open the trunk of their car. Anyone who actually watched them on Survivor can you please comment and let me know if they were as moronic then as they are now on TAR? And I swear I am not just saying that because Rob is a Red Sox fan...

Welcome!

a little background: i used to watch a lot of reality tv. then last year i went into a tv lull where i didn't really watch that much tv anymore, and i have to admit, it was quite refreshing not to be obsessed with tv. but by the end of the year, tv-watching-cindy was back in full force and now i watch more tv than i ever did before, if that is possible. dvr has made this possible. and today freddy has popped this idea in my head of keeping this blog to expunge all the tv commentary that often gets bottled up inside me because i don't always have people to talk to about it. so for all intents and purposes, i am now talking to anyone who is willing to listen. or read. whatever. so here i am.

So tonite starts The Amazing Race 7. i can't wait to talk about it. But before that, I'd just like to state a couple of things:
1) Jen Schefft sucks, and
2) I loooove Jerry - in a i-think-he's-super-hot-josh-duhamel-look-alike-i-really-really-really-want-to-make-out-with-him kind of way. Anyone know how i can get in touch with him?